steady goin' nowhere

Today I received my first official screenplay rejection. Boo-frickety-hoo. Professional rejection doesn't hurt nearly as much as I anticipated, but that probably has a lot to do with the fact that my school has conditioned me to expect rejection pretty much since day one. Or it could be that I'm still in the sanctity of my sheltered little bubble where I don't have to pay for my own living quarters... or food... or even the paper upon which my rejected screenplay was printed, so the idea of rejection doesn't feel like a life or death scenario. And before you completely write me off as a spoiled brat, I must add that, yes, I know that I am incredibly fortunate to have a highly reputable production company at the top of my shit list. Ah, shit lists. Almost as fun to compose as "people to kill" lists. Only I'm not as cool as Steve Buscemi and his lovely red lipstick...

Everything is at a standstill. Everything is in limbo. I have no fucking idea where I will be 6 months from now. I am constantly changing my mind about what I inevitably want my life to look like and what needs to be done in order to eventually get there. I'm trying to look for a job, but as soon as I find something halfway decent, I'm unable to motivate myself to go through the application process. This sounds like laziness, but it's more apprehension than anything else. How can I commit to something when I know there is most likely a better opportunity that I'm missing out on?

I can't even say for sure who will be in my life a few years, even a few months from now. Nothing is guaranteed. So many people have been removed from my life in the past few years. Too many good people died, most of them young. Some not-so-good people died, too, but I've discovered that it's a lot easier to like those people once you know you'll never be able to argue with or talk shit about them again. People moved and "started their life." They got new girlfriends, new goals, new outlooks, and both gradually and all at once they were gone. There was also a massive falling-out, one that still hurts - not like it used to, but just the fact that I'm aware of it every single day is a constant reminder of personal failure. If all these people are gone, some of whom I swore would be part of my life forever, what's the point in looking forward?

Maybe I shouldn't be looking. Maybe shit just needs to happen as it should. All of my options are swirling around in my head, but I'm not excited about any of them. Had I just been offered a shitload of money for that damn screenplay... Oh well. Back to good old square one.